Despite having an entire drawer on my white Ikea chest dedicated to all things beach related such as bikinis, hats, bags and cover ups, every year I fall under the spell that is the bikini season. Every store is stocking the latest trend in the bikini world; they come in way too many different styles and colours that it almost all becomes a nightmare for a shopaholic like me. Of course we have that pair we turn to in desperate times, but with the summer holidays booked and the anxious wait that is having to expose yourself in front of many, buying a new bikini is a must and that is when the painful process of doing so commences.
1. ONLINE BIKINI SHOPPING; HELL YEAH!
Turning to online shopping may seem like the answer to our problems. The benefits: you get to see all options in one place, avoid long queues and messy mismatched bikini sets, and you can sort of tell how they look on thanks to the gorgeous 6ft tall Amazonian supermodel. Problem is, you add so many to your basket and upon arrival none, I repeat none, of them look good or fit well leading to the frustration of having to queue at the post office (and you thought you had avoided all the queuing) to return the entire parcel, bringing you back to square one.
2. MUST PREPARE!
"That's it; I am going to hit the shops tomorrow and try a whole load of bikinis to find the one". For this, one prepares frantically and that entails going to the gym for 4 hours the day before, adopting a drastic weight-loss diet, shaving and waxing, and applying fake tan followed by lots of cellulite gel, all in the hope they will make any difference whatsoever to the body that hasn't seen a treadmill in months.
3. HIGH-WAISTED BOTTOMS
Being kinda tired of the same style summer after summer, one might consider new fashion trends. After seeing many shots of Taylor Swift rocking her high-waisted bottoms one will proceed to try this 50's style bikini only to realise she looks nothing like Taytay and the result is a lot more Bridget Jones.
4. TRIANGLE STYLE?
"Triangles bikinis are great"- said no one ever. They will only work on those with smaller chests (not my case) or those who have had a boob job done because those things are sooo unsupportive and in the first dive or wave, you will be left topless.
5. ONE-PIECES WILL COVER EVERYTHING I HATE
One-pieces are great to hide your stomach and give you a piece of mind for keeping everything in place throughout the day. Trouble is, you will either look like a character straight out of Baywatch or have flashbacks to the day you used to compete in school swimming events.
6. STRAPLESS LOOKS SO GOOD...on others
Strapless bikini tops look stylish and you can avoid weird tan lines but they were not invented for those with cup sizes bigger than B. How are my boobs supposed to defy gravity?
7. THIS LIGHTING *shakes head*
Finally settling on 3 different pairs, it's time to try them on! Everyone knows this, fitting rooms have horrible lighting so everything you did in point 2 will have gone to waste because even if you are slim and fit, chances are your body will still look bumpy. Every inch of your body will look like its covered in cellulite and worse yet, try a bikini in one of those three-way mirror fitting room where you can see EVERYTHING…the horror!
8. WHY AREN'T BIKINI PARTS SOLD SEPARATELY?
My body is out of proportion thanks to inheriting large breasts from mum's side of the family. This means that despite being a UK size 10 bottoms, a size 10 top will not cover even a quarter of my chest. Maybe if I put two different sizes together in a hanger.. will the shop assistance notice?
9. FORGET THIS, I'M GOING TO PRIMARK
After trying around what seems like 100 pairs from Topshop, M&S and the likes I'm heading to Primark. They are inexpensive, oddly shaped and inferior quality aka just what I need!
10. PACKING MY OLD FAVOURITES, just in case...
"I know I just bought 5 new pairs but I should take my old favourite too just in case I run out, right?". On the first day of holiday, the shopper will totally dismiss the newly bought bikini which is now sitting at the bottom of the luggage and instead proceed to wear her old time favourite the entire trip. The newly bought bikini will return home intact and will be taken back to the shop for a full refund.
Tell me, do you have trouble buying bikinis too? It's a horrible experience isn't it? I really don't understand why we put ourselves through this every season only to return everything we buy lol.
Thoughts, tips, stories? Let me know below!
Thanks for reading beauties!